Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
There’s always that one guy
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.