While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.