What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.