If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
The news is so predictable nowadays
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no