I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.