[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
You Might Also Like
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
What is going on? 😅
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.