If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I can’t stop watching this.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?