My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
This makes total sense…
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?