Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I am a gravy boat captain
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all