It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere