[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…