[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?