Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.