ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
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They got Raph!
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭