19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When can I start eating bats again.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.