Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If a snake ate a cake
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.