“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
You Might Also Like
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
yeah no that’s fair
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot