you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.