[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*