Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.