The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I have so many questions.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.