ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.