“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
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My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
The struggle is real
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.