Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Not my job 😂
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
back to work
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*