It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey