Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.