Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.