I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
How times have changed.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.