Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
no regrets
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Monday?
No. Next question.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van