OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.