I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
That鈥檚 not how days work.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i鈥檒l be damned
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I鈥檓 haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
the three branches of government
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“How’s your day going?”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body馃槶. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i鈥檓 calling the police
I get distracted pretty eas