Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Look at this
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.