If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌