I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[eats all your cotton candy]
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]