Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways