[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
i made a craigslist ad !
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.