How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.