Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I’m giving up for Lent.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor