Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
this is me
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks