My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
You Might Also Like
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Selfie
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
i made a craigslist ad !
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I cannot call her anything else now
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.