Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My diet starts in January
of 2027
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”