[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Terribly Tuesday.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.