I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today