(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You Might Also Like
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Flock of bats
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.