The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.