When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Hot Hot Hot
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?