Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
@funTweeters
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.