I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
That’s no pocket rocket.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast