People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
repaired
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady