talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record